For those of you who haven’t seen it, this is the big talking point of Wimbledon 2017 so far: a stout, slightly red-faced man in a straw hat forcibly burgling a player’s sweaty towel from the grasping clutch of a child.
It all leaves one awkward, hanging question:
What the fuck is that guy going to do with Jack Sock’s towel anyway…?
Hat Man: At last, I hold the Towel of Sock! Now nothing will stand in my way!
Embarrassed Lady: But Hat Man, why is the Towel of Sock so important to you?
Hat Man: Fool! I prevented my mortal enemy, Smiling Child, stealing what’s rightfully mine. Now he understands the world’s inherent unfairness and will accept his rightful role, delivering Amazon packages as a “self-employed”, sub-minimum wage courier, instead of cultivating ambitions of love, equality and all that puke-making shite!
Embarrassed Lady: Tell me again about your relationship with your estranged father, Hat Man…
Hat Man: Silence!
The Towel: Er, hello?
Hat Man: Behold, the Towel speaks!
The Towel: Ahhhh, yes. Hi there. I can speak. And hear too. Not sure what’s going on really. Any chance you could give Jack a buzz for me? Get him to come pick me up?
Hat Man: Never! You will be held by Hat Man FOREVER!!! Well, until I get bored and realise keeping another man’s sweaty towel is a bit weird for a grown-up. WUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The Towel: Oh no, he’s started talking about himself in the third person. This could be a long one…
Follow the further adventures of Jack Sock’s towel on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Towel_of_Sock
DISCUSS: What happens next???