The New Adventures of Jack Sock’s towel

For those of you who haven’t seen it, this is the big talking point of Wimbledon 2017 so far: a stout, slightly red-faced man in a straw hat forcibly burgling a player’s sweaty towel from the grasping clutch of a child.

First Brexit, then Trump, now this. The white middle classes of the developed world are out-of-control, people.

It all leaves one awkward, hanging question:

What the fuck is that guy going to do with Jack Sock’s towel anyway…?

Hat Man: At last, I hold the Towel of Sock! Now nothing will stand in my way!

Embarrassed Lady: But Hat Man, why is the Towel of Sock so important to you?

Hat Man: Fool! I prevented my mortal enemy, Smiling Child, stealing what’s rightfully mine. Now he understands the world’s inherent unfairness and will accept his rightful role, delivering Amazon packages as a “self-employed”, sub-minimum wage courier, instead of cultivating ambitions of love, equality and all that puke-making shite!

Embarrassed Lady: Tell me again about your relationship with your estranged father, Hat Man…

Hat Man: Silence!

The Towel: Er, hello?

Hat Man: Behold, the Towel speaks!

The Towel: Ahhhh, yes. Hi there. I can speak. And hear too. Not sure what’s going on really. Any chance you could give Jack a buzz for me? Get him to come pick me up?

Hat Man: Never! You will be held by Hat Man FOREVER!!! Well, until I get bored and realise keeping another man’s sweaty towel is a bit weird for a grown-up. WUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Towel: Oh no, he’s started talking about himself in the third person. This could be a long one…

(to be continued…?)


Follow the further adventures of Jack Sock’s towel on Twitter:



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DISCUSS: What happens next???

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