Stop sports doping. Start office doping.

Stop sports doping. Start office doping.

So, Russia, you’re sport’s great big institutional drugs cheat, are you? For shame. And what a waste! We should harness those skills to boost performance for deskjobbing 9-to-5ers instead.

It’s a cut-throat job market, apparently, and we’re all climbing over each other to get ahead. Isn’t it time to act like glamorous sportstars and get a few state-sponsored chemical power-ups to overcome our depressingly limited potential?

This could be our chance. The poor, discredited doctors dishing out pills and blood bags to help athletes get higher, faster, stronger are all “seeking new challenges.” Let’s give these misguided, misjudged souls a second chance and put them to R&D for our collective clerical-professional gain…

Starting with all you undervalued Administrative Assistants. Cast off the shackles of your meagre 50 words per minute and give yourselves a serious CV upgrade. With a simple series of transfusions, our government-backed scientists will get you bursting through the 100 wpm barrier without all that tedious practice.

Project Managers of the world, rejoice! Our experts are ready to offer you the one-a-day Multitask Supplement, enhancing your ability to oversee myriad, conflicting workstreams by up to 550%. Take that, Gantt charts.

Think your talents are too intangible for pharmaceutical assistance? Think again! A six-week muscle-building plan is available for all you creative-types. By bulking out the brain’s right hemisphere by 86%, we guarantee you at least four outstandingly innovative ideas every single weekday.

And let’s not forget the beating heart of the nation’s neoliberal advancement; our dogged, irrepressible sales forces. Our newly developed ‘energy drink’, Intuition, nurtures a little known oestrogen-based sixth sense. Regular consumption allows you to instinctively calculate the maximum margin you can sweat from any prospective client. Now 98 of every 100 deals signed deliver the best possible return for your revenue target. No year-end panic for you!

I think this might just work, you know. It’s surely a better use of resources than doping some lanky high jumper, right? I just need a cash-rich oligarch to make it happen. Discretion essential – sneaky hacks passing secrets to WADA need not apply!

RESEARCH QUESTION: What workplace performance would you enhance with a pill?

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